just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
