Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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