That's when you crack a 10am beer
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
