I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize