so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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