how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
ugly people sure do ruin things
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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