I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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