apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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