Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
