Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
