He disabled his match.com account in front of me
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize