I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
that's an acceptable place to lick
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
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