If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
