They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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