I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Randomize
