He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
