All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Randomize
