I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
