It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
