Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
What drink are we having for lunch?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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