as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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