Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
