I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
