the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
