I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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