Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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