She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Randomize
