remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
