I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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