Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
Randomize
