I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
