i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
i read his ps3 instant messaging thing... he's meeting a guy to have sex. i think your boyfriend's gay
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
