I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
