I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
