I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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