just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
