Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
