Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
