I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
