he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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