one might say we're banned from that church
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
