I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
