totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Boobs speak an international language.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
