Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
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