They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
