i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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