if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I can't turn off my feet"
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
