I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
