Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
