I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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