Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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