Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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