wrigley field is MILF paradise
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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