and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Randomize
