im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
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