How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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