Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
