god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
