does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
